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Eccentric Splendor of Being
20 most recent entries

Date:2004-11-16 10:43
Mood: discontent


Not a whole lot has been going on... Friday night I was to meet with CJ, and since I didn't want to wait until 8:30 to see him, I took the 4:55 out of Oak Park to Glencoe to meet him at work. I met a bunch of his co workers, to let them know that I existed and wasn't just a figment of his imagination. We went to Starbucks and I had an orgasmically good Caramel Apple Cider with whipped cream. Before I left I asked my mom if I could spent the night at his apartment, and she agreed. So we left from Glencoe and went back to his neck of the woods. On the way back we picked up some dinner at Subway, and "Mean Girls" and candy from Blockbuster. We got back to his apartment, watched the movie and ate dinner, then headed to bed. And let me tell you...aside from a very awkward moment when my mom called me and interrupted... fun was had.
The next morning he took me back to school and headed to work, while I packed up my stuff to go home. I got home at 2 or so and made plans to hang out with Stan. I chilled at home for a bit until my mom and sister had to leave for rehearsal, so I went over to Em's to visit her mom (she had surgery last week). After that, Em and I went out to eat with Stan. A girl's night out, lol.

After I took Em home I went and hung out with Krista for a bit, then headed home. Sunday I stayed in all day until I went to help with tryouts for my old club. I went back to school after that and sat in on another run-through of Big River. I must say, it looks awesome with all the costumes, makeup, and sets done.

Yesterday after class CJ came to see me again. We hung out in my room for a while and watched "50 First Dates"... lol I love that movie. Afterwards we went downstairs and get some coffee and dinner. We chilled out on my favorite couch for a long time... I had brought my homework with me to study but I ended up falling asleep on his lap while he read. I was so comfortable...

Later that night we were in the locker room and almost got caught in a sexual encounter. Luckily we were already composed and so when we heard the door open we grabbed our stuff and hid until whoever it was left. It's rather funny now, after the fact.

I start my on-campus job today. I'm working switchboard. It's not too hard. I work tuesdays and thursdays from 1-4pm. I'm not gonna eb able to give my family a tour of campus on thursday after they see Big River, but they can come visit me at least.

Alright...time to get some work done before lunch.

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Date:2004-11-10 11:10
Mood: thirsty

'80s SurveY 11/6/2004
1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!" Indeed I have.
2. You watched the Pound Puppies. I had some, too!
3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair." I used to be able to
4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish. Yeah I wore all the obnoxious jewelry and legwarmers too.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own. No I never liked the Baby-Sitters club
6. You owned those lil Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls. Definetly!
7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom. ... I guess not
8. Two words: M.C. Hammer. Is that two words? I had the MC Hammer barbie doll that came with the cassette tape with "Can't Touch This" on it.
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock." I STILL love Fraggle Rock. And all things Muppets.
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars. Yeah baby!
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales." Ducktales, woo ooo....
12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons. yeah, I miss those days. Cartoons suck now. Except Family Guy. I love that shit.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head. Definetly
14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big screen. No

15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school. I remember that! That was the best day. All I ever did was play hunting...thats what you call "Right wing foreshadowing"
16. You made your Mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side. uh huh
17. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House). Still do. www.playmash.com
18. You wore Jordache Jean jacket and you were proud of it. yeah

19. L.A. Gear. was never my thing
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten. "Jem is my naaaaame!"
21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all the Ramona books. I sure do
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF." uh huh
23. You wanted to be a Goonie. Never seen it. I know, I know... blasphemous.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. I did, yes.
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off. Yeah!
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf. Yep
27. You took Lunch Pails to school. i had the most kick ass lunch boxes!
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets. yup!
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence. I do.
30. You remember Hypercolor T-shirts. Yep
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band. yeah!
32. You thought She-Ra and He-Man should hook up. ? I don't remember that
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged friendship bracelets. lol yes
34. You ever owned a pair of jelly shoes. I owned many pairs of jelly shoes! They gave you blisters but they were awesome! I wish I still had a pair.
35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know what you are, but what am I?" Only when I couldn't think of anything better to say.
36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up." no
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates. yeah
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide. Yup
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It. I kicked ass at Skip-It
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonald's. Yeah
41. You've gone through this list occasionally saying "totally awesome". thinking it maybe
42. You remember Popples. no...
43. "Don't worry, be happy." Hahahah
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks. Yup
45. You wore socks scrunched down. yes!
46. "Miss MARY MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK." with silver buttons buttons buttons all down her back back back!
47. You remember boom boxes Vs. CD players. ...uh huh
48. You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies. I loved those. I wanted a nice one like Gizmo. But since you're not supposed to feed them after midnight I always wondered what would happen if you took one into a different time zone.
49. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!" yup
50. You remember watching Rainbow Brite and My Little Pony Tales". uhhuh!
51. You thought Doogie Howser was hot. yeah!

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Date:2004-11-09 21:17
Mood: quixotic

Hello, Livejournal.

It's been a while. I've been cheating on you with Xanga. For a while I was cheating on you with both Xanga and My Dear Diary (I know... I'm a blog whore)... but MDD died out for a couple months. Anyway... I know I've made this promise to you several times before, but I'm going to start using you more often. If you're comfortable with me having a relationship with both you and Xanga, it can work.

Until next time... if you want to find out what you've missed, you can talk to Xanga: http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=ObsidianButterfly01


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Date:2004-05-04 22:29
Subject:I will get better... I will get better...

Time: 10:17pm
Mood: Sick as hell
Song: "Stormy Weather" Lena Horne

I am so sick... I think my sister gave me the flu. Prom is on frrday... I better be well by then. I'll just keep thinking "I will get better, I will get better..."

I went to bed at like 11:30-midnight last night after saving Joe from a nervous breakdown... slept until 6:45 when I got up and called Emily and told her I wasn't going to school. I went back to bed at 7 and slept until 2:30. When I woke up I was so disoriented. I even called in sick to work, which I never do. Even if I stay home from school, I always go to work.

MonsVenus from MDD IM'd me last night and scared the crap out of me. Haha. I thought she was a girl in my AP Bio class and almost asked her about our plant essay. But We had a really nice talk, it was fun. :)

I had an interesting conversation with Mike today. Funny, nonetheless... (TLC was that thing in DC where we met this past summer)

Mike: Although... part of the agreement must be that you come to TLC this summer! *hiss*
USA Rugby12: do you want to get married or don't you?
Mike: Sure I do.
Mike: And have 2.5 kids, a house, white picket fence, and a dog named Spot.
USA Rugby12: Well then, that's settled. That way if I can't come to TLC then we can be together after that ;-)
Mike: Yea but I'll be a grumpy son'o'bitch.
USA Rugby12: why? You get to marry me!
Mike: I guess you're right...
USA Rugby12: ... and all the perks that come with being married ;-)
USA Rugby12: you can't do that at TLC
Mike: Like tax benefits! woo!
USA Rugby12: .... you did NOT just compare sex to tax benefits...
Mike: Of course not
Mike: Tax benefits are so much better then sex.
USA Rugby12: ......
USA Rugby12: fine then. When we get married, no sex for you
Mike: Oh my...
Mike: Whatever have I done.
USA Rugby12: hey, if tax benefits are better than sex, then that's all you need me for
USA Rugby12: you'll have to rely on self gratification
Mike: You're quite the joker.
USA Rugby12: What compells you to think I'm joking?
Mike: Sex is SOOOOOOOOOOO much better.
USA Rugby12: that's right
Mike: Even self gratification is better then Tax benefits
USA Rugby12: lol
USA Rugby12: ok
USA Rugby12: alright then. That's settled. ;-)
Mike: Yup
Mike: But I still think you should go to TLC.
USA Rugby12: and I was actually a little hurt when I thought you'd rather have tax benefits than sex with me
Mike: Well I was, natrually, joking.
Mike: Who could resist having sex with you?
Mike: duh :-P

Haha, cutie.

I will get better... I will get better...


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Date:2004-05-01 22:11

I swear I'm going to be better about updating here. here's a rundown on what's happened...

I had a boyfriend for about 2 months or so, but that didn't work because it was long distance.

Derek and i have talking more now that we have a class together. He is my friend that I love to hate. We're good friends, but we fight and make fun of each other daily. It's a strange friendship.

I sent in my tuition deposit to Dominican University and filled out all my housing crap. My pre-season for volleyball starts August 15th.

I am graduating on May 29th.

My ex-boyfriend mentioned above is one of my best friends in the world, even after our breakup. I am going to his mother's wedding next month.

Here is my entry from MDD I posted yesterday.

Time: 4:48pm, friday
Mood: Bleh
Song: "The Taliban Song" Toby Keith

I got his "Shock'n Y'all" cd. I like it. Me, who used to despise country music...

The last two days have been complete hell. Ilya and I filmed our Hamlet movie on wednesday, it turned out ok. But thursday I had so many problems editing on the computer, I just sat and cried so many times. Which isn't like me at all, because I DON'T cry. Ever. I ended up having to edit using my vcr and dvd player. It was a huge pain in the ass and if I have to hear "The question is... is it better to be alive or dead?" once more I'm going to kill myself. But it's done.

I had a bio test today on a chapter we learned on tuesday. Seniors had wednesday and thursday off of school. One day on a 35 page chapter. I definetly didn't do well.

Matt is leaving in August. He got a job in Florida. This upsets me a lot. Even though I don't see him as often as I want to, this means that I'm REALLY not going to see him. Reality won't sink in until he leaves though, and I'll probably cry. I love you, Matt. Keep in touch or I'll kick your ass.

Omg... today Derek was singing and dancing Rocky Horror at lunch... I'm scarred for life. He and I made a bet the other day and I lost...

"Now, since I won..."
"Uh-oh... this can't be good."
"You're going to say 'Derek, I'm sorry for arguing with you all those times, you were right.'"
"Fuck you."
"Or that..."

"I believe you have something to tell me..."
"Fuck you."
"Ah, that was option number 2."
"Not a chance in hell, babe."

Haha, I'm gonna miss that kid next year. He and Joe are both going to University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, out in bufu.

Oh, it's official. June 19th. "London, baby!" (Joey on FRIENDS). That's when I'm going. I just gotta get my passport together. I'm sooo psyched. I've never been out of the country, and I've never been on vacation.

E sent in her tuition deposit to Dominican the other day. We're going to college together! Woot! She made a deal with her parents that after a year if she didn't like it then she could transfer to University of San Francisco (her 1st choice school).

Today we sat around and discussed if we were stand-up comedians, who we would be. Jen is Lewis Black... she's so angry. I'm Ron White. E is Robin Williams, though I'm not quite sure why. The three of us make up Dane Cook. And I've decided Derek is Eddie Izzard because he's British, and we always make fun of his clothes.

That's all for now.


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Date:2004-03-29 17:43

Better dead then Red!

What pisses you off?

Created by ptocheia

seems fitting....

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Date:2004-03-26 17:38

Galadriel and Celeborn
Your ideal Middle-Earth parents are Celeborn and
Galadriel! You live in the beautiful woods of
Lothlorien. You are an elf! Your parents are
very wise and will always be fair with you.
They also give very good presents that seem
cheesy until you realize that they are exactly
what you need. Your mother is as beautiful as
the dawn, which means that you will be either
handsome or beautiful yourself and your guy
friends will want to hang out at your flet all
the time to look at Galadriel. Arwen, Elladan
and Elrohir are your niece and nephews, and
Elrond is your brother-in-law.

Your Middle-Earth mama is a psychic, which means
that you can never, ever lie to her. She is
the disciplinarian and will do her best to see
that you become a wise and noble elf.

Your Middle-Earth dad will try to be your best
friend. He is the one to ask when you want
money for concert tickets or permission to go
to a party. Since he will really want to
impress you with his hipness you shall be
forced to listen to him butcher teenage jargon.
Example: What up, homechild! Thou art trippin
in that tunic, yo? Try to keep him from doing
this in public. Even with all that, Celeborn
will spoil you, which you will enjoy, so live
it up!

I hope you liked my quiz. Please rate it, okay?

Which Lord of the Rings couple would be your dream parents? Pictures and longish answers.
brought to you by Quizilla

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Date:2004-02-14 14:12
Subject:Screw St. Valentine...

Time: 9:51am
Mood: Full...huge breakfast
Song: "Name" Goo Goo Dolls

Dad got up and made us a huge breakfast this morning. T'was good.

This holiday is always depressing for me, whether I have someone or not. Joe is at his Sectional speech tournament right now, then he's going to his mom's for the rest of the weekend. Plus I have practice tonight and a tournament tomorrow. It sucks.

I actually don't believe in going all out for your significant other on V-day. I think Hallmark is prostituting this day that is supposed to be recognized for the romantic saint in order to make more money. I always think it's better to do something small, thoughtful, romantic, and inexpensive, rather than something extravagant and expensive. I think the day should be recognized, but it's not like Christmas.

Joe told me last night he wanted to send me flowers (a dozen roses) but all the florists in my area were booked. He feels bad. That is so cute. He told me about his idea of what he's doing. He's going to send me a dozen roses, 11 red and 1 blue, with the card that says "To the one that stands out to me the most". Isn't that sweet?! I'm totally keepin this one...

He also said he's gonna do something special anyway for next weekend when I see him. I can't wait.

He got my card yesterday. I sent him a Valentine's Day card, and since he's an even bigger Republican than I am, I stuck some stickers in there. I got a box of vintage Reagan/Bush '84 stuff from my godmother from when she was campaigning at our age, and it had a box of stickers in there, so I put a few of those in the card. :) He was so excited he showed his principle (another big conservative) when he was working the basketball game last night and he goes "Hmm...she must really love you." lol. I do.

He and I have so much in common it's scary. Right down to the latex allergy....yeah, I know. Go ahead and make fun, everyone else has.
E: Between the two of you and your allergies, your kids are gonna have to live in a bubble...wait no. They'll be allergic to latex.
Jen: Yeah, your kids that are gonna come sooner, since you're both allergic to latex...

Ha, ha, ha. Joe's response to those jokes is: "Lamb skin."
LOL. J/k, we'll be good. ;)

I ran into Mr. Lorber my English teacher last year the other day. He's probably my favorite teacher I've had in my entire career at BHS. But he's a great big liberal so you can imagine the fights we got into, lol. Last year on Reagan's birthday he made of Reagan's Alzheimer's and I told him he was going to die screaming and burn in hell for all eternity for saying that. He just laughed at me. But we used to egg each other on for the fun of it.
Him: They're just lettin' anybody into Yale nowadays, huh?
Me: They didn't let YOU into Yale...

Stuff like that. So when I saw him the other day, this is the conversation that took place:
Him: Hey! What's going on?
Me: Nothin much. Got a new boyfriend.
Him: Oh yeah? Cool...
Me: Yup. He's even more conservative than I am.
Him: Oh no! Can't you just find yourself a nice liberal-minded boy to help you see the error of your ways?
Me: Nah, I only date smart guys.
Him: *Silence*

Teeheehee....I win. I love that guy.

Well, I'm gonna go. I've got homework to do, dishes to do, laundry to do, etc.

Hope everyone has a pleasant Valentine's day.


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Date:2004-02-07 11:28

Yeah I don't feel like posting the entries I've missed here...you haven't missed much. I have a boyfriend. His name is Joe. He's one of my republican buddies I met in DC, but lives here in IL. E is excited that we have boyfriends with matching names. ;)

Time: 9:41am, saturday
Mood: Meh
Song: "Riders on the Storm" The Doors

Jim Morrison was a god.

Killin time until Joe calls from his speech tournament at 11:30...

Sorry I haven't written in a while. Things have been weird.
N is still acting weird...I don't know what to do about that. If this thing with Joe and I bothers her that much I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I don't wanna give up Joe, but I can't just throw away almost 6 years of friendship...*sigh* I don't know. I'll figure something out.

E's Joe left yesterday. She'd been kinda weepy all day at school then he left last night. He'd been here for over 3 weeks, so it's really hard on her. She loves him so much...
When E is sad, I'm sad too...

Slowly, Joe has been meeting all my friends. Via instant messaging. First he met Jen, then Melissa, then last night he finally met E. He also talked to my mom on the phone yesterday. So far he's got everyone's approval.

I met his best friend the other night. He's a funny guy. Joe says I have his approval.
Oh so then last night I figured out how to set up my webcam, so he and I were webcam-ing through yahoo. That was fun.
"I almost forgot how beautiful you are in motion...even if it's choppy motion," he said. What a sweetheart.
So then after that we did a big webcam/chat thing and I met his mom! And like his whole family! It was crazy! His mom is too funny. I was the only one without a microphone, so I was typing responses and stuff to things they were saying. His mom saw me on the screen and goes, "Girl, you are *too* skinny!" haha. That made my day, especially since I was adding to the food log as she said it.

(Did I mention my coach is making us keep a food log of everything we eat? When I see it all on paper it makes me never want to eat again EVER. lol. I was talking to Joe the other night and complaining about being hungry...
Joe: So eat something!
Me: I don't wanna put it on the log...
Joe: So don't put it on the log!
Me: That defeats the purpose!)

So then I heard his mom say "Joe, she's beautiful," followed by him saying "I agree."
His little brother loves the Blue Collar Comedy tour, so I'm in good with him, lol.

What a great family! Hopefully I'll get to meet them in person soon. I asked Joe if they like me and he said that they love me. Alright! I guess I'm just charming like that...j/k. :)

I just got done talking to N and she told me that her acting weird has nothing to do with my new boyfriend. I'm glad. That's what I wanted to hear.

Life is still good. :)


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Date:2004-01-31 00:07
Subject:Get Me Through December
Mood: depressed

I went out with Stan and our friend Sara last night. My dad got all pissed off when he realized I was going out with a guy and didn't tell him. He chewed me out and everything. When I finally got a word in edgewise I said "Dad...Stan's gay. It's ok, really." His face lit up and he said "Oh! Well have fun then. Stay out late!" Grr. That's sweet and obnoxious at the same time.
So we went out and saw "The Butterfly Effect". I LOVED it. It was excellent. Derek said he didn't like the effects (he likes directing and editing and making his own films and stuff so he's critical of stuff like that), but I thought they were cool. I was very impressed with Ashton Kutcher's acting. I love him, but I'm used to seeing him play a moron. It was shocking when he got through the whole movie and didn't say the word "dude" once. So I give it 2 thumbs up, and highly recommend it. Go see it.

Looks like N may have a new boyfriend. I'm happy for her.

Just once I'd like to meet a guy that I'm attracted to, that I like...who likes me, not E. Or likes me first instead of her.
I cried the other day when I realized that my first boyfriend, first kiss (last year)...was HER first boyfriend, first kiss (4 years ago). Every date I've been on (all both of them) she's been with me. I love the girl to death, she's my best friend, she's like a sister to me and I don't know where I'd be without her....but I think college is going to be a good thing.

Last night when I was out with Stan and Sara we were talking about sex and she asked if I was waiting for marriage. I replied with a very non-enthusiastic "No." I just haven't found anyone that likes me enough yet. Haha. (<--insert sarcasm here)


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Date:2004-01-23 22:51

As always, forgot to update...

Tuesday: Off to the state that's out to kill me...Collapse )

And now I'm back, so...
Today (Friday): Back from the frozen wasteland...Collapse )

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Date:2004-01-19 13:57
Subject:Always the love... always... the hours
Mood: depressed

Happy MLK Jr. Day.

I watched "The Hours" last night (Nicole Kidman {with a fake nose}, Meryl Streep, and Julianne moore). What an amazing movie. It was...exquisite. The acting was phenomenal, I can definetly see why Kidman got an Oscar for it...though I think they all should have. The makeup was extraordinary...
It was confusing as hell for the first 45 mins or so until I figured out what was going on. It's definetly one of my new favorites, even though it's extremely depressing (it would be, considering the main themes are depression and suicide)...and everyone's a lesbian...
Moving on, it was extremely well done, I highly recommend it.

Since watching this movie I have become very interested in Virginia Woolf and her writings. I went to the library and got "Mrs. Dalloway" (I had to do that one), "Jacob's Room", "Orlando", "A Room of One's Own", and "The Hours" (that one is actually by Michael Cunningham). I'm reading "The Hours" first.
She was obviously a very eccentric woman, no doubt, but I feel she deserves a closer look...

I had my doctor's appointment today for my shoulder. That didn't go as well as I'd hoped it would. I had x-rays and stuff done, and basically what the deal is, is that I have to go through 9 months of rigorous rotator cuff physical therapy. He hesitantly said I could continue to play, as long as I knew I'd be at a higher risk of hurting myself more. So basically he gave me two ultimatums...either stop playing for 2-3 months, or become a setter (maybe defensive specialist, something where I wouldn't be attacking {or "spiking" to the volleyball layman}). At this point in one's career, and especially at this level, one cannot just BECOME a setter. Especially since we already have a very capable setter, I wouldn't be used. Since I started playing, I've been trained to be a powerhouse hitter, and that's what I'm being recruited to college for. I can't change it.

But I also can't NOT play for 3 months. It would physically kill me. So what I'm going to do is get a harness (I've already got it all researched and everything) and continue to play...carefully. I think with the physical therapy and the harness, everything should be alright. The harness will restrict my movement a bit, but maybe that's what I need, to remind myself not to do that, you know?

There's one catch, though. Our insurance does not cover physical therapy unless you've been in the hospital for the injury, or had surgery for the injury. Neither of which I've done. I want to cry because we can't afford the PT I need without insurance. So I have one session tomorrow we're paying by ourselves (that's all we can afford) where the people there are going to show me all the home exercises and stuff to do at home until my parents cancel our insurance (it sucks anyway) and find something new.

This sucks...

I'm gonna go read my depressing book and be even more depressed. I'll probably update again tomorrow after the first day of the new semester and my PT appointment, then I'll be in Wisconsin until the weekend.

If cheesecake solves all of life's problems, I should go have some of that. I don't think we have any. The next best thing is ice cream. But I'm allergic to dairy. Just can't catch a break, can I? Sherbet it is...


“Dear Leonard, to look life in the face... always to look life in the face, and to know it for what it is. At last, to know it, to love it for what it is, and then... to put it away. Leonard... always, the years between us... always the years... always the love... always... the hours.”

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Date:2004-01-17 20:35
Mood: dirty

Here's what I wrote earlier today...

Time: 5:45pm, saturday
Mood: Pain
Song: "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" -Tomoyasu Hotei and "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood" -Santa Esmeralda
CD: Kill Bill Vol. 1 Soundtrack

What a great cd...

I'm not sure how long this will be. I took my arm out of the sling to move it around and type with both hands.
The other night my shoulder popped again while I was sleeping. Now I'm in a sling, with my arms Ace-bandaged to my stomach. Not fun.

I'm not gonna be able to practice tonight, nor will I be able to play in the tournament tomorrow. But I do have a doctor's appointment on monday since we don't have school. It's with a sports orthopedic guy...shoulder specialist.

Went out last night and saw "Along Came Polly". That was hysterical. I'm not a big Jennifer Aniston fan outside of FRIENDS, but Ben Stiller was great. She's not a very good actress. Sometimes it felt like I was just watching another episode of FRIENDS.
It was supposed to be a girl's night out (I was bummed about not being at Winter Formal), but E brought her boyfriend. I don't mind, he's a cool guy. He helped me put on my coat and opened the

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Here's what I wrote earlier today...

Time: 5:45pm, saturday
Mood: Pain
Song: "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" -Tomoyasu Hotei and "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood" -Santa Esmeralda
CD: Kill Bill Vol. 1 Soundtrack

What a great cd...

I'm not sure how long this will be. I took my arm out of the sling to move it around and type with both hands.
The other night my shoulder popped again while I was sleeping. Now I'm in a sling, with my arms Ace-bandaged to my stomach. Not fun.

I'm not gonna be able to practice tonight, nor will I be able to play in the tournament tomorrow. But I do have a doctor's appointment on monday since we don't have school. It's with a sports orthopedic guy...shoulder specialist.

Went out last night and saw "Along Came Polly". That was hysterical. I'm not a big Jennifer Aniston fan outside of FRIENDS, but Ben Stiller was great. She's not a very good actress. Sometimes it felt like I was just watching another episode of FRIENDS.
It was supposed to be a girl's night out (I was bummed about not being at Winter Formal), but E brought her boyfriend. I don't mind, he's a cool guy. He helped me put on my coat and opened the <A TITLE="Click for more information about <A TITLE="Click for more information about car" STYLE="text-decoration: none; border-bottom: medium solid green;" HREF="http://search.targetwords.com/u.search?x=5977|1||||cars|AA1VDw">car</A>" STYLE="text-decoration: none; border-bottom: medium solid green;" HREF="http://search.targetwords.com/u.search?x=5977|1||||cars|AA1VDw">car</A> door for me, since I'm gimpy, lol. E had to help me put on my socks...it was so pathetic. But all in all it was fun. E and her boyfriend are so cute. Those two will probably get married.

I pulled him aside last night and asked him what he was doing for E's birthday, coming up on the 3rd. He said he had no idea...he's been racking his brain to figure something out. Now as her best friend, I have the advantage of knowing what she wants and expects of him, even if he doesn't, lol. So I told him "She told me she doesn't want anything from you...except breakfast in bed." So hopefully he'll take my advice.

Next week I'll be gone in Wisconsin wednesday-friday. The 6th graders at the school E's mom teaches at go to this outdoor education thing every year this time. Since E's mom is one of the 6th grade teachers, she and I are expected to go as counselors. *shudder* It is so freakin cold... I don't mind the kids...just every time I go to Wisconsin something bad happens to me. The last two summers with the retreats, and last year on this 6th grade trip I got frost bit really bad. This year I'll be better prepared.

I tried to get Derek to come along with us since his little sister is in E's mom's class...but he can't take off of work or he'd get fired.

Hmm...what else?

Mike needed some ideas for his abortion project. I sent him my baby picture (I was a CUTE baby) with a caption that read "This is a rape baby who's mom chose not to have her aborted." Then I sent him my senior picture with a caption that read "This is her 17 years later, when she's graduating from high school, with an academic scholarship to go to college where she's going to play volleyball and study to become a forensic scientist." He was really shocked. I hadn't told him that bit of my past yet. After he got over the initial shock, he was really excited. My story was EXACTLY what he was looking for in his presentation. He showed his mom and she cried, lol. She said I was like a Lifetime movie or something...
He told me today his presentation went EXTREMELY well. Everyone was really touched by my story, and his teacher (who is pro-choice) was visibly shaken by it.
Heh, glad I could help him out.

That's about it for now. I'll update again this weekend, or on monday after I see the doctor about my shoulder. I'm getting sore again, I should go put my sling back on...can't type with one hand.


"That boy drops more shit than a bunny rabbit on Ex-lax."
-"Juwanna Mann"

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Date:2003-12-27 21:14
Subject:Take these broken wings and learn to fly...
Mood: confused

As always, cross posted in MDD...

Time: 8:32pm, saturday
Mood: Confused
Song: "Blackbird" by Sarah McLachlan
CD: don't really have one right now

I really love this song. It doesn't matter by who, I just happen to be listening to Sarah M.'s version (I seem to be becoming a really big fan of hers as well).

Tonight I went to my family Christmas party. My family is so freakin talented when it comes to music. I've been through this before. It's like a family thing to sing. You should have heard everyone tonight... I walked in and my uncle was playing Christmas carols on the piano. Later after dinner he started playing his acoutsic guitar and accompanied my cousin singing carols. Then after dessert and presents he and my other cousin both got their guitars (both acoustic, and my cousin is self-taught. He was playing a 12-string). They did a bunch of Simon & Garfunkel and Beatles stuff. I kept thinking someone should have been recording it...it was all so beautiful, with them matching harmonies and everything. Oh man then they started playing "Blackbird"....it was gorgeous.

Things are confusing again with TNC....I hate guys. *sigh* He's online right now so if I talk to him tonight (I'm hoping I will I'm just kinda....waiting), I'll write how that goes next time.

I doubt I'm going to make my 100th entry by New Year's...oh well.

//Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly
Blackbird fly
Into the light of a dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.//


Bits about me, courtesy of Miss Moss' diary :)

Have you ever given yourself a hair cut?: Yes, in kindergarten, and I ended up with an inch of hair.

What color toothpaste do ya use?: white with like...stripes or something...

If you could travel back in time and visit or be a part of any era of time at all,what era would it be,and why?: I'd say the Civil War, but that's probably not the best place for me, I'd end up a slave. Maybe the Roaring 20's, or back in the 80's where I could be old enough to enjoy it.

Whats one feature of your appearance that you absolutely like?: My eyes and my legs

If you could completely get rid of one fashion trend that you personally don’t like, what would it be?: I gotta agree with Nicki about the intials on everything... and mullets. Why is that look coming back on elementary school boys? ick...

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Date:2003-12-25 23:41
Mood: content

Also Posted in MDD...

Time: 10:31pm, thursday
Mood: Content (big deal for me)
Song: "Why Don't You And I" by Santana f. Alex Band
CD: Compilation I just made

Merry Christmas and all that jazz...

Sorry I've been MIA for a while. My computer was totally fucked from various viruses and explorer errors I was having and I ended up having to harsh the entire system (take EVERYTHING off and start ALL OVER). I just got back online tonight. (Well, I got my browser back. I've only been off AIM and my other messengers for a few hours.)

I'm in a good mood. It never really felt like Christmas and I wasn't really ever bit by the Christmas Spirit bug like I usually am. I guess because it didn't really snow here until the day before Christmas Eve I didn't really get a chance to get psyched about it.

I got some pretty cool stuff. I don't want to make a list because I know my parents spoil me and I don't want to brag, but I will mention a pretty kickass cowboy hat they ordered me from Tulsa... Black with 3 silver heart shaped buckle things. I love it. Looks pretty cute on me if I do say so myself :) Too bad it didn't come with a cowboy...

Speaking of boys, after how depressed I was in the last entry, I do have good news. Things are going really well with TNC (The New Crush). After certain events and talking to him a bunch of times after my last post, I feel confident that he does like me, but he really is busy and is trying to be fair to me. I also feel confident that if I just continue to be myself (I'm not gonna try and be something I'm not for a guy), and give it time, that he might come around in a few weeks. I originally set a goal for before final exams (finals are Jan 14-16th. yes, AFTER Christmas break...) but that seems stupid since we're going to have an actual class together next semester ( besides lunch :P)

Yes, Emily is gorgeous and kind of a guy magnet, but that's not her fault. It just gets frustrating sometimes. But like I said, things are going well with TNC, so I'll keep you posted. :)

I watched World Idol tonight. Oh. My. God.... Words cannot express...how horrible...Germany and Poland were...lol. J/k it wasn't THAT bad. I could tell the guy from Germany was talented, but just picked a crappy song. He sounded like he was better at ballads. The girl from Poland was VERY talented (especially for being only 16), I'll give her that. but she completely destroyed the song (it was from Jesus Christ Superstar). I have to agree with the judge from I think it was Germany who said that she had a very powerful voice, she just didn't really know what to do with it. A lot of people flipped out over the dude from Canada...but I really wasn't impressed. Nor was I with the guy from the UK either. Ick. I thought the guy from Australia was awesome, and I really liked the guys from Holland (also only 16), South Africa (it doesn't hurt that he was really pretty, too...), and Norway. Although I'm not a huge Kelly Clarkson fan, she really did amazing. I think it's gonna come down between her and the guy from Australia, I really do.
THE GUY FROM BELGIUM SANG A NIRVANA SONG!!!!! It was SO cool! He was awesome too, but I don't think he's gonna do well because it's supposed to be a pop competition, not a rock one and no one expect the judge from his country really appreciated him. Simon Cowell was representing the US, lol...
The judge from Canada cracked me up, lol. When the girl from Poland and her judge started speaking in Polish he was like "Is this gonna be like an hour long special?" lol. The judge from poland was pretty much a bastard...worse than Simon....if that's possible.
It all took place in London, ergo the hosts being British. They were pretty funny. Except when they made America bashing jokes... they've got a lot of nerve... I'll give them that the whole concept started in Britain with Pop Idol, but they said themselves that Kelly has been the most successful of any Idol. So ha. Anyway I voted, and I find out who wins on the night of New Year's Day.

Wow I just spent entirely WAY too much time on that subject...

I better go...I have a LOT of catching up on my favorites to do....


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Date:2003-12-21 00:04
Subject:Catching up...
Mood: gloomy

I haven't been updating here as much as I have on my other diary, so here's what's been happening (beware, this is a long entry...):
Wednesday (12-17):
"The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King"

Holy christ....

What a good freakin movie....

If you thought The Two Towers was good....you ain't seen nothin yet.

Right after school (we get out at 2 instead of 2:55 because we have early dismissal) Emily, Derek and I went to the theater to catch the 3:30 show. Good thing we went early. It was crowded, so Em went to get seats while I stayed with Derek so he could pick up his ticket he'd ordered online. Emily was the first one in the theater and got us great seats.

Every 15 minutes or so throughout the whole movie, Derek made some comment that made me laugh so hard I had to cover my mouth as not to piss of other people in the theater.

And I gotta tell ya...after 3 and 1/2 hours of sittin...my ass is so sore.

But it was SO worth it.

Thursday (12-18):
"AP Bio vs. AP Physics...this is war."
Still reeling from the greatness of LOTR...

But here's the big thing that happened today. There has long since been a feud between 5-6th period AP Physics and 6-7th period AP Bio. We all know I'm in Bio, I sure as hell complain about it enough.

First, some background:
The AP classes at my school are a period and a half long. That extra half a period is your lunch. This particular Physics class starts in the middle of 5th period and ends at the end of 6th. My Bio class starts in the middle of 6th period and ends at the end of 7th. So, essentially, their class lets out in the middle of ours, and their classroom is right next to ours. A few times a week, especially when we're taking a test, when their class lets out, on top of the normal noise level of passing period, we hear a chorus of "Mine? Mine? Mine?..." out in the hallway. As in from "Finding Nemo". Any other time it's hysterical, but when you're stressing over a test like I do, it's irritating as hell.

SO...today we decided to get them back. After everyone got into class, our teacher told us the plan. Physics was talking taking a test today. We snuck into the prep room (room to keep stuff for labs and connects the two classrooms) with the light off and started our own chorus of "Mine? Mine?..." It was great. All the physics kids looked up with "what the hell?!" looks on their faces then started laughing.

But it wasn't over. Oh, no...

So we were discussing our most recent notes on the chapter we were on when the bell rang, indicating the end of 6th period. We all sighed and thought "great, here it comes..."
Physics class walked by, being louder than ever with the usual "Mine?..." ....except one kid. One kid who decided to stop and moon us through the window right next to the classroom door.
Pam, Ryan (my close friends in that class) and I were lucky we happened to be sitting at and angle where we could see out the window, but we couldn't see him. Thank god. I hear it was horrible.
Ms. O.C. (short for O'Connell...long story) screamed and convered her eyes, then growled and stamped her foot and ran after him. She gave him a referral, but he ended up getting suspended.

I think everyone in my class (save for Pam, Ryan, and I) is scarred for life...

Though I do believe the war shall continue tomorrow...

And here's what I wrote earlier today (12-20):
Time: 2:08pm, saturday
Mood: Gloomy
Song: "Acquiesce" by Oasis, and "Fear" by Sarah McLachlan
CD: Sarah McLachlan "Fumbling Toward Ecstasy"

Well, The war didn't continue yesterday. In fact, I forgot we called a truce and were having a huge ass holiday party instead, seeing as it was the last day before break. Everyone in Bio (except me, because I didn't order food) went to class at the beginning of 6th period instead of the middle, so that both classes would have a whole period together instead of just half. When I opened the Academy doors, I immediately smelled Chinese food. I went to my classroom and saw that some people were there, but most were in the Physics room. So I set my stuff down and went to go see what the fuss was about.

I walked into the room and saw the screen was down and the projector thing was out and assumed they were watching a movie. But I looked up at the screen and saw they weren't watching a movie, but instead were playing Dance Dance Revolution (DDR). (Cool, huh?) They had two pads, so people could battle each other. The best part was when we convinced out Bio teacher (O.C.) and the Physics teacher (Bradner) to square off. It was hysterical because Ms. O.C. had no idea what she was doing so Mrs. Bradner totally kicked her ass. I have a feeling both the teacher may go and buy it, though, lol.

The new crush is at a dead end. He told me last night that he wasn't looking for a relationship because he doesn't have as much time as he should so it wouldn't be fair to anyone. I told him I understood, that my schedule can get pretty crazy too, sometimes, so I figured the solution would be to find someone as busy as I was, so he wouldn't feel neglected. But that if he'd rather stay friends, then I was content with that as well. He said he thought that was best for now. I don't know if "for now" is supposed to indicate that there's going to be something in the future, or if he was just trying to make me feel better. So I'm just not going to read too much into it, so I don't expect anything.

Essentially that conversation was pretty much what I didn't want to hear, but I didn't lie about being content with friendship. I just didn't tell him how disappointed I was as well. I wonder sometimes if him saying "I don't have time, it wouldn't be fair to anyone" is just a euphemism for "I like Emily, not you." That happens to me too often. He is pretty busy, so it would be believable...

*Slaps hand* I need to quit being paranoid and stop trying to read between the lines.

I just can't seem to catch a break, can I?

"I don't know what it is/ That makes me feel alive/ I don't know how to wake/ The things that sleep inside/ I only wanna see the light/ That shines behind your eyes/ I hope that I can say/ The things I wish I'd said/ To sing my soul to sleep/ And take me back to bed/ You want to be alone/ When we could be alive instead
// Because we need each other/ We believe in one another/ And I know we're going to uncover/ What's sleepin' in our soul//

Morning smiles/ like the face of a newborn child/ innocent unknowing/ Winter's end/promises of a long lost friend/ speaks to me of comfort// but I fear/ I have nothing to give/ I have so much to lose here in this lonely place/tangled up in our embrace/
there's nothing I'd like better than to fall/ but I fear I have nothing to give//" -'Fear'

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Date:2003-12-14 10:39
Subject:DAMN, WE'RE GOOD!!!
Mood: ecstatic

I wrote this earlier this morning. Cross posted in MDD.

Time: 9:08am
Mood: Ecstatic, though I have a migraine so bad I can't see straight

December 14, 2003. Remember this day. For those of you who keep bitching "Why are we still in Iraq? We look like fools, blah blah blah..."

About 15 minutes ago, I get a call from Nicole that woke me up:

N: "Wakeupwakeupwakeup!!!!!"
Me: "....I'm awake."
N: "WAKE UP!!"
Me: "Dammit I'm awake!!"
N: "We got him."
Me: "Huh?"

Ladies and gentlemen....Saddam Hussein has been captured alive. At 4am this morning (central time) they found him in a "spider hole" (hole about 8 ft deep) near his hometown. He was captured without a fight, and without a shot being fired.

Thank you Task Force 21.

Red Dawn...
Mike: "God I love this administration and its military names."

And how.

See why I have such an affinity for our military? Days like this! God it makes me so fuckin happy to turn on Fox News and see Iraqi people partying and waving American flags and such.

God I love this country.


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Date:2003-12-10 16:24
Mood: cynical

Thanks, Stan.

=Word association=

Rubber: latex
Rock: paper, scissors
Green: blue (school colors)
Wet: water
Cry: "Love Story". NOT. What a horrible movie.
Peanut: Woodstock ("Peanuts"...)
Hay: ride
Cold: Coldplay
Steamy: shower
Fast: car
Freaky: friday
Rain: Fun
Bite: Vampire :)
Blow: Johnny Depp movie
Religion: "The Messenger"
Current mood: Meh...not so happy.
Current music: Nickelback "Figured You Out"
Current taste: Wonka Nerds
Current hair: one long braid
Current clothes: black sweater, khakis from Abercrombie (*gaps* I know! They're hand-me-downs...)
Current annoyance: itch on my head
Current smell: nothing
Current thing: contemplating....life... in a depressing way.
Current windows open: WMP, one IM window, AIM Buddy list, Yahoo buddy list, MSN buddy list, shared folder, and update journal
Current desktop picture: Ann Coulter "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity." -Sept. 13, 2001
Current favorite celeb: Orlando Bloom, Johhny Depp, Luke Wilson, Jodie Foster, Sandra Bulock

=Do I=
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: nope. I don't remember my dreams. I haven't remembered one for about 2 months now
Believe in miracles?: mhmm
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: yes but no one seems to be able to keep it up.
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: it depends
Consider love a mistake?: not when its real
Have a favorite candy?: not really. Wait, yes...Swedish Fsh and Sno Caps
Believe in astrology?: meh
Believe in magic?: yes
Believe in God?: yes (complicated, I know. {In regards to the last answer})
Have any pets: dog
Go to or plan to go to college: Dominican University next year
Have any piercings?: ears
Have any tattoos?: no. I'm a wimp
Have an obsession?: LOTR, but I don't think you can really call that an obsession since I haven't read the books. The Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter books, and 80's movies
Have a secret crush?: I did. That's over with now, I turned it off a few months ago
Have a best friend?: I have a couple
Wish on stars?: not really
Care about looks?: somewhat.....

=Love life=
First crush: I don't remember. I had a boyrfriend in kindergarten, though. His name was Chris, and he was adorable. He kissed me on the cheek in front of the whole class one day. I was mortified, that was the worst day of my life. :P
First kiss: Jeremy. Or if you want to get technical, see above
Do you believe in love at first sight?: lust that can turn into love
Do you believe in "the one?": yeah, if you can find them
Describe your ideal significant other: I'm a sucker for blonde hair and blue eyes. But what's even more lethal for me is black hair and blue eyes. But I've been known to like plenty of guys outside of my "type"....you know I'm really not in the mood to talk about this. Maybe I should call Stan so we can be mopey together...

=Juicy stuff=
Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: nope
Have you ever been intoxicated?: "Pour some sugar on me, ooh in the name of love!" Heh, that was fun...
Favorite place to be kissed?: lips and neck
Are you a tease?: *shrug* you tell me
Shy to make the first move?: yes. Everytime I do it backfires and I get hurt. I gave up a while ago

--EITHER / OR:--
club or houseparty: never been to a club
cats or dogs: dogs. Cats are satan
single or taken: perpetually single *digs out Stan's number*
pen or pencil: pen
gloves or mittens: both. Mittens over the gloves
food or candy: depends on the mood
cassette or cd: cd

look like: body like Aaliyah
be like: I don't know. I'm such a wallflower. I wish I were a little more outspoken and outgoing when I'm not trying to be grownup and I'm acting my age.

talked to: my mom
hugged: Derek (after "The last two girls I've dated have been gay and bisexual..." Poor guy, lol). Oh I also hugged Ian after he told me he was joining the military. I'm so proud.
instant messaged: Nicole
kissed: Jeremy. (Well, my sister kissed me goodnight last night but I didn't think that was what you meant)

eat: kitchen family room, and cafeteria. Sometimes in my room or in my car
cry: wherever I am when something makes me cry. Usually my room or in the shower
wish you were: Ireland or Scotland

Dated one of your best friends? no. I dated a friend once (Jeremy) but I hadn't seen him in like a year.
Broken the law? speeding laws, curfews, and such
Run away from home? On my Mickey Mouse big wheel when I was 3
Broken a bone? nope *knocks on wood*
Played Truth Or Dare? mhmmm
Kissed someone you didn't know? no
Been in a fight? not really

--WHAT IS:--
The most embarrassing CD in your collection?: I'm leaning towards LeAnn Rimes and the Titanic cd I think. Wait no....Backstreet Boys. Like 4 of them...
Your bedroom like?: I Love Lucy, with other touches of Whitney
Your favorite restaurant? Rainforest Cafe?

What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night? I don't raid the fridge at night.
What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie? Somewhere In Time, Terms of Endearment and Sommersby
If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done? dunno. maybe flatter tummy
What feature are you most insecure about? my tummy and I'm weird about my eyebrows being messed up...
describe your bed: used to be a waterbed. Mattress in the waterbed base. I love Lucy comforter. Red sheets, 2 red pillows, one tiger pillow, one zebra print body pillow. Various stuffed animals including Peach, Dory and Squirt from Finding Nomo
Spontaneous or plain?: somewhat both
Do you know how to play poker? no I suck at that game
What do you carry with you at all times? chapstik. I should carry my inhaler, but don't...
How do you drive? *shrug* You tell me
What do you miss most about being little? my biggest worry being "OMG I'm gonna miss Full House and The Smurfs!" I don't know...look up the lyrics to John Mayer's "'83"
Are you happy with your given name? yup
What was the last song you were listening to? "Slow Down" -Wayne {'Swimfan' soundtrack)
Have you ever been in a play? um, one-acts in middle school. But not really. I'm a backstage, usher and makeup person
Do you talk a lot? depends
Do you like yourself and believe in yourself? no
Do you think you're cute? *shrug* not really
Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? Sometimes. That's a trademark republican thing
Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? most of the time. I have my evil side, but who doesn't?

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Date:2003-12-10 00:13
Subject:A mirror has the basics...
Mood: full

I put this in my other diary yesterday and forgot to cross post:

Damn, I went to but a Bush lyric in the title and realized that it's supposed to be "I memorize the basics" and I've been singing the wrong words for some time now...Hell I like my lyrics better so I left it there.

Time: 3:58pm, monday
Mood: Happy, but tired
Song: "Warm Machine" -Bush (my lyrics are better....)
CD: Bush "The Science of Things"

The hitting clinic last night with my coach from Dominican went SO WELL! I was really nervous. People kept telling me that she had seen me play on the tape and she really wanted me to play for her but I didn't believe them because *I* didn't send the tape, and I didn't know what tape it was. I kept thinking "she's gonna come to my practice and decide she doesn't want me anymore..." She could tell I was really nervous so she pulled me aside and talked to me like 20 mins into the practice. "If I didn't want you on my team, don't you think I would have said something by now?" Man I love her... So I loosened up and was much more relaxed. She said so many awesome things about my to my mom and my current coaches that I'm a little scared because now I have to live up to them. But I guess she's really excited about having me next year. Which makes me so much happier because for my own piece of mind because now *I* know she's seen me play and still wants me.

This is what my high school coaches have done to me. They've killed my confidence so much in volleyball, and it's actually spread to the other parts of my life. They should be shot.

This idiot today in Econ said the dumbest thing. She said "I don't understand why you'd want to die for your country. What does that solve?"
I had a whole freakin speech prepared by the time the teacher called on my but I only got through a sentence before I started getting yelled at.
"If nobody died for this country, things would still be the same as they were 300 years ago. (*insert yelling* This next part is what I didn't get to say) You know all that stuff you have? It's because people died for this country. You freedom, your right to be whatever religion you want, hell the right to say stupid shit like what just came out of your mouth...is all from people dying for you and this country. Sure America has its downsides and sucky times, but it's still 10 times better than anyplace else. Its the best you can get. You know why? because people died for this country. What does it solve? How about the end of slavery, fascism, nazism, and communism?" Stupid whore...

Anyway! *Big smile*.

You know Keira Knightley is freakin MY age? Well, she's 18 (born 1985 where I'm '86). Close enough. She was like 17 in "Pirates of the Caribbean". My age when she kissed Orlando Bloom. Lucky bitch...(j/k I love her, lol)


Monday is no way to spend 1/7 of your week.

If guys had periods they'd brag about their tampon size.

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Date:2003-12-02 17:02
Mood: melancholy

I had some kind of revelation or epiphany last night while having a heart-to-heart with Joe.

Let me give a little background by saying that my high school is cursed. At least one or two people die almost every year it's been open. It's really pretty frightening. The school's been open 7 years, but heres what's happened since I've been here.

My freshman year I saw a teacher collapse in the hallway while he was having a heart attack. He died in the hospital. Since then there's been an annual 3-on-3 basketball tournament in his name to raise money for a certain club, I think it's SODA (Students opposed to Drugs and Alcohol), though that doesn't have anything to do with heart attacks.

That same year during the summer, one of the seniors that had just graduated was in a freakish car accident and died. The school now hosts a memorial swim meet for her because she was captain of the swim team.

My sophomore year a freshman girl I didn't know personally, but had seen around school was abducted from the school on one of the last days of final exams, raped, and murdered. Our school was all over the news. I was there because I had just had my surgery and was recuping.

Last year a guy I knew put his head on the train tracks about a mile from my house.

Also last year (last school year) the father of a good friend and teammate had a heart attack and died. He was a good guy. He always had something nice to say to me after a match, no matter how shitty I played. He always tried to push his daughter to play more like me. He and my lil sis were pretty close.

This summer someone I didn't know personally, but had seen around school died of a heroin overdose.

And I just found out today that one of my volleyball coaches, (I had 2, this is the nice one) is in the hospital with terminal pancreatic cancer. He's young, too. In his mid 30's, I believe. He has two little boys, one who's about 5, and another who's not even a year yet. I feel horrible for them, it's only 3 weeks til Christmas, and it looks like they have to move so he can get the treatment he needs.

Maybe this is why I'm so fucked up. It's not a direct effect, obviously because none of this has to me personally, or to my family. But to be surrounded by this all the time, maybe it has an underlying effect.

Something to ponder...


Joe: I'm questioning the way I liv.
Me: what do you mean?
Joe: my life is designed around order, simplicity...
Joe: sheer nerdiness
Joe: lol
Joe: and yet I'm not really LIVING
Joe: I could go out evry night and get high, drunk, and laid... but thaz not my style.
Joe: its just not
Me: That doesn't mean you're not living
Joe: and yet, I dont live AT ALL...
Joe: no chances, no risks....
Me: honestly, if THAT'S what's "living" is supposed to be, then I don't want to
Me: I'd rather stay a geek
Me: Chances and risks at this age aren't a good thing, Joe. It's how people end up dead or in jail
Joe: and yet its also how u experience LIFE
Me: by almost losing it?
Joe: yup
Joe: lol
Me: seriously...
Me: We are blessed Joe. Even if all we have to hold on to is being a TAR {Teen Age Republican}, look at what we've gotten out of it...
Me: opportunities kids our age just don't get
Me: they just don't
Me: Free trips to DC...
Me: Life long friends...
Joe: I know.
Me: Being able to have a passion about something, and courage of your convictions....
Me: THAT'S living, my friend
Joe: and the 6 days I had to plan that trip was the most spontaneous and lively I've been my whole life.
Me: see I only had like a day and a half
Joe: haha
Joe: u REALLY lived
Me: We're not meant to be spontaneous
Joe: we're conservatives.
Joe: I KNOW.
Me: exactly
Joe: lol
Me: I used to say "If life's a rollercoaster, then I'm not strapped in."
Me: I may not be strapped in, but I'm certainly holding on for dear life
Joe: haaha
Me: I'm not gonna let go of one hand just because I think it might make me cooler or give me an adrenaline rush
Me: I'm serious
Me: do you understand what I'm trying to say?
Joe: I understand
Me: Don't be upset because you think you're not "living". Living by today's teenage standards usually means doing something stupid that can fuck up your entire life
Me: and you're better than that
Joe: u've got a point kid.
Me: I try
Me: See? I'm philosophical even when I'm deathly ill
Joe: haha
Joe: well, get sum rest
Joe: I'm gonna do the same
Me: thanks
Me: Do you feel any better?
Joe: I do
Me: good
Me: glad to know I'm good for somethin

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